I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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