508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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