I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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