my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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