my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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