Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
