So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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