I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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