i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
