Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
