Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
