Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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