i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
