Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
