Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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