i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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