I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
