im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
