don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sext me about skeletons
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
