Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
