Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
