I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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