Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize