Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
