hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
