I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I need a burrito and a hug.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
