Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
