Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize