So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
