so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
