he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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