Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
