I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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