You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I touched a dick in church today
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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