I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
