The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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