does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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