five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
