I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
