going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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