remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
