This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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