In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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