I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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