i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
cat food counts as protein by the way
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
