dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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