you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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