Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
