Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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