You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
