so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
