that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
