Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
