i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
