3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
