Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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