I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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