Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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