Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
