Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
