can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
