I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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