How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
