im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
