I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
