is your mom at the bar?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
