a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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