Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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