Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
