I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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