i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
