What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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