I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
